coolbutstressed

this week i went to camp with my dads family. he decided to let me do what i wanted and i met up with some kids from school. he got totaly smashed and when he found out that i didtn tell him where i was going he flifed and drove way over the speed limmint to the sight i was at. he made me get in the car and was speedign again i was so scared i jumped out because he was drunk. he slamed hte brakes adn got out. screamign he threw me into the truck smaked me and pushed. someone broke it up and i walked back to camp fought some more secerity broke it up again. then i got my stuff and went to the entrence my mom was gunna pick me up. my frends came and got me almost calmed down when my dad showed up. he threatened one of my friends and when he swung at the other he hit me. i screamed at him to stop adn he woudnt go away he fought with me adn i told him to bit me he was drunk. adn then he said he woul knock me out... i said hit me i dare you ill put your ass in jail in a moment so fuckign hit me and then he swung and clocked me and then someone broke it up and he acted like it was nothgn then when secerity went away he swung at my friend again and i was crying so bad but he wouldnt stop then my mom finaly showed up. and he fought with her... idk what to do. im heart broken he hit me adn i hate him. he is dead to me... for life. in my opinion parents shouldnt get smashed when they are the adults in charge.

what is the point in a boyfriend if he is always to busy with his friends to talk to you? jsut because you cant always go out and have fun with him shouldnt he miss you and what to talk to you even when he coudl be with his friends?? but that makes me sound so... needy sometimews i need him to just blow everything and everyone off just to talk to me.

what is the point in a best friend who all year was there adn now that its summer blows you off for everyone else? how coudl she want to chose everthign over you? what happend to best friends?

real friends txt you b4 you have to txt them jsut cuz they are board. a real freinds calls tjust to talk more than once a summer because they miss you to adn cant make it throung the summer without seeing you. maybe im crazy but i dotn like to be alone and when i am,,, im jsut very unhappy what is wrong with me i shoudl be able to be alone

I wont waist my time telling you my past because well, no-one but me relay cares, your the only one who will understand me... if you can.

Life is hectic, i have a million things to do, but all want to do is sleep. sometimes i wish i could jsut sleep and never wake up, but then the alarm on my phone goes off i'm late, and i snap back to my reality. notise its MY reality, my reality is much more complex than others mostly because i think way more than a normal teen. i plan out everythign i do and when things dont go as planned... i get ancous and have panic atacks. my entire life has started to run into one big blure of living sleep/death. i rarly have the time to relax, im running here on my way to there when i need to be somewhere else.

Know what i realy hate? Those people that think everyone has all the time in the world, i hate slow people walling down the halls like they have nowhere to be, ugh its like im a ticking time bomb and everyone wants to die! Rawr! Then suddenly im laughing and pushing, i have to act happy, in not alone anymore. but with my friends, ... my mood... unconsious. i walk day on day looking out a strangers eyes, the foggy glass pupels hard to clear, i walk, to nowhere, even when i have so many places to go.

its so hard to know if you are as alone as you feel. never tell someone what they are feeling isnt rigth tell them your there, tell them they will never be alone.

when i say i feel alone im only alone in my head, the worst place of all. im alone in my head and no one can help me.

Its like fighting a war, but your alone on a battle feild. your looking into the face of you enemy, but there is no one to see. your running from nothing, but still you run. full spead. your swinging your arms like your hitting something but you just break the air. your killing yourself... your fighting yourself. you will never win.

your working to live but living to die.

i wish sometimes i could not exizt, just disipear, its like i walk down the hall an i have guys asking if they can see me naked, they say damn wouldnt you like to get in that and all this crap. guys that have know me for years adn ugh its so horrible i feel like trash sometims i come home and think look in the mirror hating myself, i hate beauty it causes so much pain. i cnat keep any guys as just friends they either flirt with me, hit on me , get mad tha i dont fall for them or fall totaly for me then i feel like crap when im not intersted. its like ive had my heart broken i dont what to hurt them butif they are not what i want what am i to do? idk sometimes i jsut wish i didnt have to go to school never had to hear that. i wish i could hid, adn not let anyone see me. to talk one step out, teach them somehting if they ever did like more than my looks i might fall for one but they all jsut see me like, meat. im not some stripper adn im not a hoe. does anyone know how to make it go away? im tired of hating myself... someone please help me... anyone. im falling apart